Just a rant I guess (It's gonna be alright Collection)
by Digital Riot
Summary: This is a rant. literally. My OC, Diante, vents his feelings and frustrations before a live audience. You! Guaranteed to be 100% relatable.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! It is me, Digital Riot back at it again with a new story.**

 **Not really.**

 **This is actually a parody/spoof. Umm, It's basically where my main OC, Diante explains everything that he hates and I make a skit out of it. So it is supposed to be funny, okay. Think Saturday night live or something like that.**

 **So with that being said, let's roll the skits.**

Diante moves the camera so it focuses on his face clearly. His face is a look of somebody who is very exhausted. He looks stressed out.

"What's up everybody, Diante here. And I am upset. So upset in fact, I had to make this to show you every single thing that I hate. So this is just a rant… I guess." Diante sighs in heavily. As he begins to list the first thing on his mind.

"Don't you hate attorney at law commercials? You know the ones where they always show people who won 5 million dollars because they got a paper cut? And it goes like 'Celino and Barnes, call 1-888-888? Yeah, sounds great right?" Diante smiles.

His smile turns upside down as he shakes his head.

"Wrong. It is not great at all. Trust me, 9 times out of 10, you are not going to get a million dollars for an injury. Let me show you what I mean…"

The video feed changes, and two birds are shown. They are dressed in suits and they look very professional. A scarlet macaw and a pigeon stand back to back facing the camera. Lawyers.

Ferguson: I'm Jackson Ferguson, and this is my colleague David, I trained for 8 years at Columbia Law School to earn my Doctorate in law. After graduating top of my class at both Columbia and Yale, I worked in the legal field for 16 years. I have helped millions of victims get the compensation that they need, usually millions of dollars or even more.

David: And I too am a lawyer.

Ferguson: But don't take our word from it, here is the experience of our customers and see if we are right for you.

The camera cuts to Blu, standing there with a smile.

Blu: After I was hurt in an accident, the David was able to win $6,000 Dollars for my case. Thanks!

The camera cuts to Jewel, also with a smile.

Jewel: After I burned my tongue on a cup of hot coffee, Ferguson was able to award me $6 million dollars, now I don't have to work ever again!

The Camera flashes to Nico.

Nico: I accidentally sprained my ankle at the mall while I was walking. Ferguson was able to win $10 million dollars. I can entire, and my kids can live comfortably forever! I am so happy!

Blu is up now, and he looks rather dejected. Kind of disturbed.

Blu: wait… I was hit by a cement truck. I was sitting on my living room sofa, as it crashed through my wall and dumped cement all over me. I was stuck in solid cement for six days! A fireman had to chisel me out! Now that I think about it, I probably should've gotten more than $6,000 dollars!

David and Ferguson take the stage.

Ferguson: I promise that I and my colleague will deliver the highest amount of expertise inside the courtroom, with great behavior!

David: And the best part about a courtroom is that there is a police officer there, with a gun! But you can't touch it!

Jewel: After Ferguson delivered his speech to the judge, both the Jury started to applaud and cheer. The Judge even started to cry. That was the best speech I ever heard!

Nico: Fergusons professionalism was so top notch that as soon as we entered the courtroom, the judge and jury voted in my favor. I didn't even have to give a testimony!

Blu: Wait a minute… David **LITTERALLY** walked into the court room wearing two different color New Balance sneakers! He kept passing out all over the courtroom while giving his speech! He touched the Officers gun, I am pretty sure that affected my case!

Ferguson: I and my legal team will fight the hardest. We know everything and every rule in the field of law.

David: I am also very intellectual.

Jewel: Ferguson was able to pull out a book of law and read every single rule inside of the book pertaining to my case. The Judge was astounded! It was crazy.

Blu:…. Really? David literally came to my house in his 'Birthday Suit' and after I told him that he had done a horrible job getting my case, and to get off my property naked, he ran inside my house and locked himself inside the bathroom. He then declared squatters rights! I had to hire another lawyer to get him out of my bathroom! I am literally drowning in debt!

Ferguson: I found David after he donated a kidney to my sick mother. After that I took him under my wing, and we became great partners!

David: And I donated my other kidney to his brother!

Blu: **THIS DUDE IS WALKING AROUND WITH NO FREAKING KIDNEYS!?**

Ferguson: Make sure you know who to call whenever you have an injury. Call me and David! We will get you your money, to make sure that you are compensated!

David: Yeah, and I too will- ouch I am Blacking out! I don't have kidneys!

Roll credits

The video turns off and Diante's face appears again.

"You see what I mean? I actually feel bad for Blu. Like honestly. Every time I turn on the TV it is there. A legal commercial. There is no escaping them, they are on billboards, Subway advertisements, Bus advertisements, on the radio, in the newspaper, in your school textbook (The schools need to get money from somewhere, right?) they are absolutely everywhere.

They are like Germs. Everywhere, and there is no getting rid of them. There are so many lawyers nowadays that I feel that if someone looks at me the wrong way I could get 10+ million dollars. It is insane.

But that is not all. Tune in to the next video to see the next thing that makes me upset! Peace!"

The camera turns to darkness.


	2. Mcdonalds is evil, actually

**For all of those who are reading this, this is just a little information about myself the author. I actually haven't eaten at a fast-food restaurant in about five or six years. This is impressive for an American. I do not eat at places like Mcdonald's or Burger King or anything of that sort. Just thought that would be worth commenting on before we continue this chapter.**

Also, in case it isn't obvious, Macmeaties is a parody of Mcdonald's.

Diante again appears in front of the camera, he looks pissed off, and just upset in general.

"I hate fast food."

Queue the dramatic music, dun-dun-duuuuun!

"That's right I said it. I hate it. I hate those restaurants. I hate the giant signs in front of the stores. I hate the mascots. I hate the employees. I hate the windows, I hate their advertisements. Fast-food restaurants is evil, actually."

Diante takes a breath in.

"Let me tell you why. Have you ever ordered something at one those restaurants and they just refuse… like refuse to give it to you? Let me show you what I mean…"

* * *

The scene switches to the inside of a Macmeaties restaurant. Blue walks up the counter, after one of the employees finish serving somebody else.

Employee: Hi, welcome to Macmeaties, can I help with anything?

Blu: Yeah, um, I just ordered some food and I was wondering if I could get some extra sauce?

The Employee points to the back of the restaurant.

Employee: Yeah, the straws are in the back. Next order-

Blu: Wait, no, not extra straws. Extra sauce.

The Employee looks confused.

Employee: T-The straws are in the back-

Blu: Not straws, sauce!

The Employee looks like he is about to cry. He looks hurt on the inside.

Employee: T-T-The straws-

Blu: No! I don't want straws! I want sauce!

The Employee falls to floor crying.

Blu: What the hell!?

The Employee suddenly jumps up and grabs Blu by the throat. He hold Blu up in the air by the neck.

Employee: GET OUT! GET OUT!

Blu: I can't (Argh) you holding me by the neck!

Employee: Get out!

The employee keeps on crying. Everybody else in the restaurant begins to put down whatever they were eating and began to quietly leave the store.

The Employee is soaking in tears, he releases Blu who falls to the floor unconscious.

The manager of the store comes out.

Manager: What is going on here?

The Employee looks up at the manager, tears still in his eyes.

Employee: He (sob) he asked for EXTRA SAUCE!

Manager looks surprised. Even shocked.

Manager: Oh no. Not again-

* * *

The screen cuts to black and Diante returns.

"This has actually happened to me once. Maybe I wasn't chocked to death. But they just refuse to give you anything you ask for. They might pull out a gun on you if you ask for too many things."

Diante takes in another breath.

"But one thing I hate, the most, is that there is always some secret menu with items you didn't even know they sell. Look at this…"

* * *

This time Blu is working as an employee at Macmeaties. Working as the overseer of the drive-thru order.

A car pulls into the driveway. Blu is ready to take the order.

Blu: Hi welcome to Macmeaties. Can I take your order?

The customer is Rafael. He looks at the ordering menu and then at Blu.

Rafael: Yeah, um. You guys have the new Jordan's?

Blu looks really confused.

Blu: What?

Rafael: You guys have the new Jordan's?

Blu looks honestly confused.

Blu: Um, this is Macmeaties.

Rafael looks at the sky, then at him.

Rafael: And the sky is blue. Do you have the new Jordan's?

Blu: No, we do not have the 'new Jordan's this is a fast-food restaurant!

Rafael: I know captain obvious. I am asking simply for Jordan's!

Blu: We sell food here! We do not sell sneakers!

Rafael looks tired of arguing.

Rafael: Bring me your manager.

Blu nods. He is sure Rafael is crazy. He calls the manager, Eduardo, to the customer. He stands nearby so he could see Rafael's reaction when he figures out that this isn't a sneaker store.

Eduardo: Hi, is there anything I can help with?

Rafael: Yeah. I was asking for the new Jordan's, and your guy over there wouldn't give them to me.

Blu grows a smug smile on his face. He was sure that Eduardo was gonna tell him the news.

Eduardo: Oh, him? Ha, he is a new employee. Um, here you go.

Eduardo pulls out a pair of sneakers from a hidden drawer in the wall and hands them to the customer.

Blu is astounded.

Rafael: Thanks.

Eduardo: No problem. Don't worry about him, he is a new employee he doesn't know about our secret menu. You know.

Rafael started to laugh a little.

Rafael: I hear you. Thanks again.

Blu is completely shocked. He is so confused he doesn't even know what to say.

* * *

The screen turns to black. And Diante comes on again.

"Literally. This happens all the time. Like you wouldn't imagine. I wouldn't be surprised if somebody came and asked for a new house from those restaurants and they would give it to them. And then you are just sitting there, like 'home come I didn't know they sold houses for five dollars here'?"

"I'm done for today"

 **If you guys liked this chapter make sure you leave a review and smash that favorite button. As always I will see you next time.**


	3. The slow reader in class

**Mr. Patrick is not a real person. Or at least I don't know anybody in real-life named Mr. Patrick. Enjoy, please, because this was painful to write. This is gonna be a long one.**

"You guys know what I really hate?" Diante asks as he put on his trademark 'I'm upset' face.

"I hate my classmates, and school in general. But especially my classmates."

A automated voice of a crowd gasping is played.

"They just do things that tick me off sometimes, things that are in general really stupid. But sometimes I love them. I have good friends and they are cool… sometimes. But I don't like all of them. There is always, always, AL-WAYS, this one kid who can't seem to read a book properly."

Diante stops speaking and gives a quizzical look (we are in for a long one aren't we?).

"We are in highschool, but some kids read like they are still in the second grade. AKA 'The slow reader in class'. And I understand that some people have difficulties reading because of problems too complicated to explain now, but this isn't the case. They can pull out a phone and read a meme or a Instagram text, perfectly fine. Like they all the sudden get a P.h.D and they are scholars at reading. Put a book in front of them, and they stop. Altogether."

"But, you know, maybe its just me. Maybe I am a jackass for no reason. I think it would be better if I show you what I mean…"

The video switches to a classroom. Bia, Tiago, and Carla sit inside with around 15 or so other kids sitting in seats too. They all chatter with each other about the latest happenings around the neighborhood. All while they await the return of their teacher, Mr. Patrick.

After a few minutes, he finally enters the classroom, in a blue plaid button down shirt and khakis. He is a peregrine falcon and wears glasses. He takes his position at the front of the class and at his desk.

Mr. Patrick: Excuse my tardiness, class. But now that I am here, we can get the lesson star-

A student stand up out of his seat and interrupts the teacher.

Obnoxious Student: Do you have a late pass?

The student gets a few chuckles from the other students, Mr. Patrick stands there looking at him, unimpressed.

The two stare at each other for some while, Mr. Patrick's face is stone cold, while the student is getting nervous. The student sits down.

Mr. Patrick: Good. You all thought that since today is the last day of school, you were going to be getting less work! (Chuckles) Nope, not in my class, ha!

The students in his class groan and mumble as they take out their pencils.

Mr. Patrick: Everybody, please open your reading books to page 142, we only have about a page left to read, so we might as well finish it off before vacation. And who would like to start us off?

A few of the children raise their wings, but Mr. Patrick doesn't choose any of them. Instead he picks a female scarlet macaw sitting in the middle of the class.

Mr. Patrick: Gina, why don't you start us off?

Tiago raises his wing.

Tiago: Mr. Patrick, Gina doesn't speak. At all. She hasn't said a word ever, like I have never heard Gina speak in my life.

The class agrees with Tiago.

Mr. Patrick: DID I ASK YOU?! NO! Gina, read the page.

Gina:…..

The class waits, Gina looks at the book, then at Mr. Patrick.

Gina: ….

More silence

Gina: ….

Mr. Patrick: You know what?! I've had enough. Gina you get a zero for today!

Gina puts on a surprised and taken back look on her face.

Mr. Patrick : Actually, I change my mind. You fail my class altogether! See you next year!

Gina's jaw drops to the floor. She nearly falls out of her seat.

Mr. Patrick : And Tiago, because you tried to butt in earlier, why don't you finish reading?

The class erupts in resent and uproar.

Carla speaks up.

Carla: But he can't read!

Gina pulls out a phone, and plays a soundbyte from it.

Gina's phone: NO! GOD PLEASE! NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Mr. Patrick: SHUT THE HELL UP! Tiago read!

Tiago looks very happy and excited to do this.

Tiago: Me? I get to read, finally!

He leans over to another student.

Tiago: Do you know what page we are on?

Random student: Don't tell him, don't tell him.

Student: page 142

Random student: (sigh) why would you tell him?

Tiago flips to the page and begins reading.

Tiago: Okay! James t-t-took? Did I read that right? James took a b-b-b…..

He continues like this for sometime. And while he does, the classroom falls asleep. A half hour goes by, and Tiago didn't even finish the first sentence.

45 minutes, Mr. Patrick is stunned. He looks around the class. Bia made a paper airplane and threw it at somebody in the class. A blue jay in the front of the class somehow made himself some soup and was eating it in class, with a bowl and everything. Gina passed out on the floor and turns out that her beak fell off. Another student picks up the dislodge beak in his wings, in disgust. Or confusion, one or the other.

Tiago: James took a book fruuuuuuuuuuuuuum? No, from….

50 minutes, how the hell?

Some kids managed to get a game of pingpong started on some tables in the back. Others were gathered around playing cards.

Mr. Patrick honestly didn't know how time was going by so fast, or how the children managed to do all of this. But Tiago must have been reading slow as heck….

Tiago: The B-b-booooooookshulf? Boooooooooooookssssssssshhheeeeeeellf? Bookshelf?

60 minutes, the school bell rang, the kids stood up and began leaving.

Mr. Patrick: Okay-I-I guess? Umm, hope you all have a great summer, and have fun. Oh-Gina!

Gina stopped in the doorway. She turned back to Mr. Patrick with hope in her eyes.

Mr. Patrick: See you next year.

Gina hung her head low as she slowly turned around and walked out the classroom.

Mr. Patrick followed suit and he turned off the lights in the class, and locked the door behind him.

Everybody left. Everybody except Tiago.

 **June**

Mr. Patrick is running around his house looking for his bookbag.

Mr. Patrick: Where is it? I know it around her somewhere.

He pulls out a phone and calls somebody.

Mr. Patrick: Hello…. Jeremy. Yeah did you see my bag? Yes my bookbag…. No I do not wanna know what the weather is like tomorrow (3 minutes pass)…. I DON'T CARE HOW YOUR DAY WENT, I JUST ASKED IF YOU'VE SEEN MY BAG! So that's a no? You kept me on the phone FOR THREE MINUTES TO TELL ME NO?!

Mr. Patrick hangs up the phone as he continues looking. Then he realizes where it is.

Mr. Patrick: Where is the bag that I use to hold my teaching books? The one I use to teach my students at school [chuckles] the bag I take to school with me everyday to school? Its at school!

Mr. Patrick then realizes something else

Mr. Patrick: Who am I talking to?

Mr. Patrick enters his classroom and flips the lights on, he looks under his teaching desk. Until he hears a voice.

Mysterious voice: L-L-l-l-l-I-I te? Light!

Mr. Patrick jumps back in surprise.

Mr. Patrick: WHO IS THAT? SHOW YOURSELF DEMON!

Mysterious voice: SHUT THE HELL UP!

Mr. Patrick has never seen a demon say that before.

Mr. Patrick: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?!

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I'M OBVIOUSLY TALKING TO YO- oh, hi Mr. Patrick

Tiago lowered his voice when he recognized his teacher.

Mr. Patrick: Tiago? What are you doing on my classroom?

Tiago: I'm just finishing reading this paragraph.

Mr. Patrick: Paragraph?

Tiago: Yeah, the one you told me to read to the class.

Mr. Patrick had to think about this for a bit.

Mr. Patrick: Paragraph? Wait- I told you to read that on the last day of school, a month ago. Wait- YOU'VE MY CLASSROOM FOR OVER A MONTH?

Tiago: READING IS HARD!

Mr. Patrick looks in shock. He regains his senses, and tries to talk some sense into Tiago.

Mr. Patrick: Look, I told you to read that paragraph, to the class. Look around you, where is the class?

Tiago looks around, noticing for the first time that he is alone.

Mr. Patrick: Oh, you look confused. You know why there is no class? Because it is summer, Tiago. Go home!

Tiago: NO!

Mr. Patrick: GO HOME!

Tiago: NO! **NOT UNTIL I'M FINISHED!**

Mr. Patrick stands back, impressed.

Tiago: Jimmy, turned on the light a-a-a- , GAH WHO CAME UP WITH THESE WORDS!

Tiago, in a fit of rage, picks up his book and throws it. It hits Mr. Patrick square in the head and he falls down.

Tiago: Sorry Mr. P!

Mr. Patrick: Ow! Wait-

Mr. Patrick sees the bookbag he is looking for on the ground. He picks it up, puts it on and says farewell to Tiago.

Mr. Patrick: Alright, Tiago. Have a nice life!

Tiago: So you're not gonna throw the book back?

Tiago says as Mr. Patrick closes the door behind him.

 **September**

Mr. Patrick enters into his class and immediately notices a horrible smell. Like body odor, of someone who hasn't washed in almost three months.

And then he sees him. Tiago is still there trying to read.

Tiago: And T-T-T

Mr. Patrick sighs as he tries and gets his attention.

Mr. Patrick: Tiago…

Tiago: Hold on, I am almost there (Tiago has tears coming out of his eyes now)

Mr. Patrick pulls out the book from his book bag and flips to the page Tiago is on.

Mr. Patrick: And they live happily ever after. The end, Tiago.

Mr. Patrick finishes the sentence.

Tiago: Why would you do that! I was almost there?!

Mr. Patrick: Because honestly, this getting embarrassing for me to watch, okay. You've been class for **three months trying to read a paragraph!** And to be honest, your starting to smell! Have you gone outside at all? Where are you getting food and water from?

Tiago: You should be the last one talking! I'VE SEEN YOU WEAR THAT SAME SHIRT EVERYDAY, SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE SCHOOL YEAR.

Mr. Patrick: Look I saw your face and name on the Local News yesterday. You are labeled as missing. Your parents are looking for you Tiago. Go home.

Tiago: Well- I mean- I finally finished the book! So that means [Chuckles] I can go home now right?

Tiago asks in relief as he stands up.

Mr. Patrick: Ha, nope!

Tiago: Why?

The school bell rings.

Mr. Patrick : Because it's September, school is in session.

Tiago looks to the door and more children that he had never seen began filing into class.

Tiago: Wait you can't do this to me! Wait! No!

Mr. Patrick: Actually, I can!

Tiago: Can I at least go use the bathroom?

Mr. Patrick: Nope should've done that before school started.

Tiago: Come on! Can I use the bathroom?

Mr. Patrick: I don't know, can you?

Tiago: Actually, I could. If you let me get up and go use it!

Some of the kids smile and laugh at the student and teacher going back and forth at it.

Mr. Patrick: I don't like your attitude.

Tiago: I'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR THREE MONTHS!

Mr. Patrick: You know what? Step outside of my classroom!

Tiago: Thank you!

Tiago smiles as he gets up.

Mr. Patrick: Nah, sit down. You are too happy.

Tiago: What?! This isn't fair!

Tiago says as he sits back down, crying.

Another student walks in. Gina.

Mr. Patrick: Oh, hi Gina! There you are! Welcome back to my class.

Gina stops in the doorway, she looks at Mr. Patrick in fear.

Mr. Patrick: Actually, since you are sure here again, why don't you introduce yourself to your new classmates?

Gina's eyes open wide. She looks at the new students who all look back at her.

Gina: …

 **How did you guys like that one? Let me know in the review and be sure to SMASH THAT FOLLOW/ FAVORITE BUTTON, LIKE A BOSS!**

 **See you in the next one. Bye-bye!**


End file.
